One day after several hours of writing at my computer, I thought it'd be good to do something physical and go for a walk. I traveled a route I frequently take early in the morning, but this was a different time of day and I encountered some unexpected experiences. First, some workmen had blocked off part of the route, so I had to figure out a detour. Next, there was a car parked at a place where I usually pick up another trail, blocking my path. There were lawn mowers shooting grass all over the sidewalk, and then, all the area sprinklers came on, spouting water everywhere!
As these things thwarted me from my routine, I could feel the frustration mounting, and my first thought was, "There's got be a blog post in here somewhere!" My second thought was, "This is so related to conflict!"
As I say, I started to feel frustrated that all these things were keeping me from my plans. I hadn't expected the things that were now present due to what other people around me wanted. I had forgotten I wasn't all alone in the world.
The person who parked their car under the tree wanted to use the shade; the landscapers wanted to mow and water the grass at that time of day; the workmen wanted to insure people were not coming into their work area. All were legitimate interests (this was a public part of town), but they were not fitting in with my expectations.
I had expected my walk to go a certain way, but it wasn't. I realized I was frustrated because I was tightly gripping that expectation. I had to loosen my grip, to remember that I was still going to achieve my main goal -- taking a brisk walk -- but that it was going to happen differently than I'd thought. I was going to have to be more creative and work with the other people.
This is often the situation in conflict, too. We start to move along a path we believe will accomplish something we want, but then another person in our life (our boss, our spouse, our friend) throws up road blocks. Usually, road blocks that come from their desires and expectations as well. We have to remember they are simply living their lives too (and are most likely starting to see us as obstacles by that point!).
Loosening your grip enough to be able to recognize the legitimacy of the other person's desires doesn't mean you have to completely let go of yours. It simply means that you are allowing yourself to be open to the creativity that is possible, and conceding that there probably is a way to work together. (When I stopped to try and figure out how I would get by the mower without getting grass all over me, the driver noticed me and turned it off so I could get by.)
In those road block moments, when frustration is starting to rise, try to:
1. Realize it’s simply a reminder that you don’t live in a vacuum (and that you have temporarily forgotten that).
2. Enlarge your perspective (zoom out) and make room for the other person’s wishes and needs in your outlook.
3. Respond to the call to be creative in figuring out how to work together.
4. Remember it is likely that you are not being thwarted from your desired destination, you just may have to find another way to get there (which is not necessarily all bad).
Wishing you calming thoughts when you hit road blocks of your own!
Wishing you calming thoughts when you hit road blocks of your own!
Kay
www.confidentconflict.com
www.confidentconflict.com
