In Our Own Eyes

Today is my favorite day of the year. 

April is my favorite month and today is my favorite day. Starting with when I was in high school, especially nice things have been happening in my life on this day, and often still do. Particularly when my dear college friend, Sue, opens her annual phone call to me with  "Happy April 8th!"  It is a very special day in my eyes, and so it is to me.

There is a story in a sacred book, Numbers, shared by Jewish and Christian traditions (part of both the Bible and the Torah), that frequently reminds me how significant the thoughts can be that come from the vision we see for ourselves.

It's about the time that Moses sent some men to spy out the land of Canaan (a land that God had promised to the Israelites) to see what the land was like and what the people dwelling there were like. When they returned after forty days of spying, they reported that the land was good and luscious, but that the people there were quite strong and the cities fortified.(Numbers 13:17)

When Caleb, one of the leaders of the spying expedition, said "Let's go up at once to take possession of the land, for we are well able to overcome it," many of the men who had gone with him became fearful. saying that the people were of great stature, they were giants. And then they declared: "We are not able to go against these people, for they are stronger than we are. We saw the giants and we were like grasshoppers in our own eyes . . ." (Numbers 13:33)

It's important to notice the contrast here between Caleb and the other men in this story. The difference between them was how they saw themselves. Caleb's vision was that they were able to overcome the enemy, but the other men saw themselves as small and powerless.

Behavioral scientists call the thoughts the men had "limiting beliefs," or self-imposed prisons. They are the things we believe that confine us, that keep us from trying or moving forward.

The story is often on my mind because part of my work with people who are trying to improve the way they handle conflict deals with this very area: how they see themselves. 

Conflict is something that can cause us to feel weak, confused, and powerless, and we can start to see ourselves in some state of diminished capacity. I try to help my clients reconnect with the strengths, abilities, and internal resources they already have to do things better,  elements they may not be recognizing in themselves. I support them in moving toward a "Caleb" mentality and in seeing what capacities already lie within them to be able to overcome obstacles and possess the ground they are seeking. They even find more compassion for the difficult people in their lives.

I've learned this is one of the keys to personal transformation. As we feel more confident and capable -- as we become stronger in our own eyes -- we are more open to new ways of doing things, and more optimistic about doing them successfully.

There's one more thought about this I'd like to offer though. The complete sentence the fearful men uttered was, "We were like grasshoppers in our own eyes and so we were in their sight."
  
It can often be the case that If we see ourselves a certain way, we will communicate this to those around us. Many times we teach others how to view us. All the more reason to see the best of who we are when we look through our own eyes.

The crowd of men never did change their perspective, and unfortunately missed out on what God had for them, but Caleb ultimately did go in and possess the blessed land that God had promised. Sometimes, what we are in our own eyes can make all the difference.

Here's to your being more than you realize in your own eyes too, (and, oh yes, 
Happy April 8th!)  :)

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com