Road Blocks

I've been doing a lot of academic writing these past several weeks -- trying to meet a deadline and finish a book chapter. It has required a lot of research, critical thinking, and writing to a standard that other people require. Now that it's finished, I'm relieved to be back at this blog and simply writing however I like.J

One day after several hours of writing at my computer, I thought it'd be good to do something physical and go for a walk. I traveled a route I frequently take early in the morning, but this was a different time of day and I encountered some unexpected experiences. First, some workmen had blocked off part of the route, so I had to figure out a detour. Next, there was a car parked at a place where I usually pick up another trail, blocking my path. There were lawn mowers shooting grass all over the sidewalk, and then, all the area sprinklers came on, spouting water everywhere! 

As these things thwarted me from my routine, I could feel the frustration mounting, and my first thought was, "There's got be a blog post in here somewhere!" My second thought was, "This is so related to conflict!"

As I say, I started to feel frustrated that all these things were keeping me from my plans. I hadn't expected the things that were now present due to what other people around me wanted. I had forgotten I wasn't all alone in the world.

The person who parked their car under the tree wanted to use the shade; the landscapers wanted to mow and water the grass at that time of day; the workmen wanted to insure people were not coming into their work area. All were legitimate interests (this was a public part of town), but they were not fitting in with my expectations.

I had expected my walk to go a certain way, but it wasn't. I realized I was frustrated because I was tightly gripping that expectation. I had to loosen my grip, to remember that I was still going to achieve my main goal -- taking a brisk walk -- but that it was going to happen differently than I'd thought. I was going to have to be more creative and work with the other people. 

This is often the situation in conflict, too. We start to move along a path we believe will accomplish something we want, but then another person in our life (our boss, our spouse, our friend) throws up road blocks. Usually, road blocks that come from their desires and expectations as well. We have to remember they are simply living their lives too (and are most likely starting to see us as obstacles by that point!). 

Loosening your grip enough to be able to recognize the legitimacy of the other person's desires doesn't mean you have to completely let go of yours. It simply means that you are allowing yourself to be open to the creativity that is possible, and conceding that there probably is a way to work together. (When I stopped to try and figure out how I would get by the mower without getting grass all over me, the driver noticed me and turned it off so I could get by.)

In those road block moments, when frustration is starting to rise, try to:

1. Realize it’s simply a reminder that you don’t live in a vacuum (and that you have temporarily forgotten that).

2. Enlarge your perspective (zoom out) and make room for the other person’s wishes and needs in your outlook.

3. Respond to the call to be creative in figuring out how to work together.

4. Remember it is likely that you are not being thwarted from your desired destination, you just may have to find another way to get there (which is not necessarily all bad).

Wishing you calming thoughts when you hit road blocks of your own!

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com

In Our Own Eyes

Today is my favorite day of the year. 

April is my favorite month and today is my favorite day. Starting with when I was in high school, especially nice things have been happening in my life on this day, and often still do. Particularly when my dear college friend, Sue, opens her annual phone call to me with  "Happy April 8th!"  It is a very special day in my eyes, and so it is to me.

There is a story in a sacred book, Numbers, shared by Jewish and Christian traditions (part of both the Bible and the Torah), that frequently reminds me how significant the thoughts can be that come from the vision we see for ourselves.

It's about the time that Moses sent some men to spy out the land of Canaan (a land that God had promised to the Israelites) to see what the land was like and what the people dwelling there were like. When they returned after forty days of spying, they reported that the land was good and luscious, but that the people there were quite strong and the cities fortified.(Numbers 13:17)

When Caleb, one of the leaders of the spying expedition, said "Let's go up at once to take possession of the land, for we are well able to overcome it," many of the men who had gone with him became fearful. saying that the people were of great stature, they were giants. And then they declared: "We are not able to go against these people, for they are stronger than we are. We saw the giants and we were like grasshoppers in our own eyes . . ." (Numbers 13:33)

It's important to notice the contrast here between Caleb and the other men in this story. The difference between them was how they saw themselves. Caleb's vision was that they were able to overcome the enemy, but the other men saw themselves as small and powerless.

Behavioral scientists call the thoughts the men had "limiting beliefs," or self-imposed prisons. They are the things we believe that confine us, that keep us from trying or moving forward.

The story is often on my mind because part of my work with people who are trying to improve the way they handle conflict deals with this very area: how they see themselves. 

Conflict is something that can cause us to feel weak, confused, and powerless, and we can start to see ourselves in some state of diminished capacity. I try to help my clients reconnect with the strengths, abilities, and internal resources they already have to do things better,  elements they may not be recognizing in themselves. I support them in moving toward a "Caleb" mentality and in seeing what capacities already lie within them to be able to overcome obstacles and possess the ground they are seeking. They even find more compassion for the difficult people in their lives.

I've learned this is one of the keys to personal transformation. As we feel more confident and capable -- as we become stronger in our own eyes -- we are more open to new ways of doing things, and more optimistic about doing them successfully.

There's one more thought about this I'd like to offer though. The complete sentence the fearful men uttered was, "We were like grasshoppers in our own eyes and so we were in their sight."
  
It can often be the case that If we see ourselves a certain way, we will communicate this to those around us. Many times we teach others how to view us. All the more reason to see the best of who we are when we look through our own eyes.

The crowd of men never did change their perspective, and unfortunately missed out on what God had for them, but Caleb ultimately did go in and possess the blessed land that God had promised. Sometimes, what we are in our own eyes can make all the difference.

Here's to your being more than you realize in your own eyes too, (and, oh yes, 
Happy April 8th!)  :)

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com

Puzzle Pieces

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
Marvelous are Your works . . .    ~Psalm 139:14

I really like the "Cross Fingers" app. I like how it challenges my thinking. I like figuring out what the puzzle is all about and then the delight I feel when it's completed (and kind of explodes off the screen). 

Come to think of it, I have several puzzle apps on my devices. There's just something that's fun to me about how all the different shaped pieces can fit together and form a picture.

I love discovering just the right piece to fit with the others. 

This week, I've been thinking about fitting in -- about how often we seem to be wishing we "fit" into the puzzle that is our day-to-day life -- and about how sometimes it's difficult to embrace the puzzle piece shape that is ours when we can't readily see how it may contribute to the picture.

At rowing the other night, our coach was explaining what the characteristics were of the rower in each seat of the boat and the very specific contributions of the person in that seat. For instance, a rower who is exceptionally strong might be placed in a particular seat, while one who might not be the strongest but who rows well technically might be strategically placed in a different part of the boat. It's not necessarily the case that all rowers have to be good at the same thing, but each rower must excel in what she does best, which is actually what makes a stronger team. 

It was quite a visual picture for me of the necessity for each crew member's trait (or "shape") in order for the boat to function optimally. Oddly enough, I felt the same "puzzle delight" after hearing the coach's talk.

It is my faith that each of us has been purposly fashioned with a unique design to do just that -- to function in a place where our own giftings are exactly what's called for.

For example, you might be a stickler for details, you don't miss a thing and can follow a plan to the letter -- driving everyone around you crazy because they just want to think about the big picture. But then one day your boss has too much to do and needs to find someone to take over an important project and be confident that person will make sure every detail will be given attention -- and there you are, the ideal person for that job!

Or maybe you're someone who has a hard time keeping your feet on the ground (much to the dismay of  the people who need you to seriously function!) because you're always dreaming about grand ideas for the future. Then you meet someone who says "I know the kind of project I'd like to do but I just can't see how it can all come together" -- and boom! -- you come up with a fantastic vision of how this can be.

 It really is a marvellous thing to see how we're designed.

 I just think that maybe we spend more time feeling discouraged that there's not a place for our piece to fit than we do celebrating our puzzle shape and looking forward expectantly to the moment that place presents itself. 

I want to encourage you today to believe this: that your characteristics are specifically designed for you. I want you to think of who you are -- who you love to be -- and really value that -- honor that.  (Even when you feel at times that you and God are the only ones who can see how marvelous you are!) 

I want you to notice (or remember) the moments --no matter how brief -- when you bring just the right contribution to a situation at just the right time -- a word, a perspective, a talent.  

And then, I want you to feel totally convinced that the

puzzles of your life will be absolutely incomplete without you. 

Here's to discovering how your puzzle piece is a perfect fit!

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com

Tribes

Some months ago, I read an article in Newsweek entitled "What's Your Tribe?" by biologist E.O. Wilson (April 9, 2012 issue). He had much to say about the evolution of tribal (or group) mentality and offered his findings on why humans desire to be part of a social group (the modern day psychological equivalent of an ancient tribe), exhibiting both the good, and not so good, behaviors of belonging.

In my own reflection, however, I didn't get much past the title question. 

I started thinking about what might constitute a tribe for me, and about to what tribe I might currently belong. Wilson had much to say on what draws us to a particular group, and submits his own biological discussion on all the group dynamics encountered, but my thoughts turned to what was, for me, a subtle difference between a group and a tribe.

Wilson stated, "Tribes gave visceral comfort and pride from familiar fellowship . . . A tribe gave people a name in addition to their own and social meaning in a chaotic world. It made the environment less disorienting and dangerous."

His use of the word "visceral" reminded me that one's tribe was more than a group of people who shared an interest; it indicated to me a deeper, more relational link. 

In addition to common enthusiasms, the dictionary ascribes common traits to members of a tribe as well. There's something really fun (and delighting) about getting together with an established group of people for the first time and experiencing the feeling of "Wow, these people are just like me!"  It is deeply comforting. It is familiar. It is orienting.

I felt that way (and continue to) when I went to my first Association for Conflict Resolution conference. Although I'd certainly done my share of research and read publications by many of the people there, when I actually got to meet some of them and had conversations with them, I was able to see the traits of this culture up close: people who so highly prize interpersonal peace that they have made peace building their profession; people who clearly see the obstacles to peace and yet are still dedicated to the education, interventions, and hard work of helping others overcome them; people who are optimistically striving to make peace the new normal wherever they can.

Whether or not you've experienced this tribal encounter in your life, I know you're looking for it --  if for no other reason than to simply find out that you're not the only person you know who feels a certain way about something. (Maybe that's what Wilson means by "a social meaning.") After all, that's one of the driving factors in our on-line social networking, isn't it?

Over the years, I've belonged to many a social group, but my number of tribes is considerably smaller. I can tell the difference. I know when I am simply attending a meeting or an activity -- or just adding another connection to my social networking accounts -- and when I'm getting together with people in my tribe.

The conflict resolution profession is an unusual tribe to belong to and I often see puzzled looks on people's faces when I declare I'm part of it. But, that doesn't really matter to me because, as with having any tribe, it does help make my world a little less dangerous.

Have fun thinking about "what's your tribe?" too!
Kay
www.confidentconflict.com

Going First

Footprints in the Snow by RCH

First: Coming before all others in time or order; never previously done or occurring.

Today is the first Monday, of the first full work week, of the first month of the new year.

I've been thinking a lot about "firsts" today and about what it means to be first.

Being first is often a coveted position among us humans. I remember in elementary school how exciting it was to be first in line. The prestige (well, for elementary school), the fun of being #1 with everybody following behind you. 

Even as an adult, being the point person -- facing a task with no one in front of you -- can be an exhilarating place to be. Lewis Grizzard captured one aspect of this when he said, "If you're not the lead dog, the scenery never changes" (that's certainly true if you're not sitting in the stroke seat in rowing!). Being first is a position that can definitely have its perks.

I maintain, however, that "being" first is slightly different than "going" first. Being first might involve a position of leadership, or moving along a designated path, but when you go first, sometimes it means doing something that no one has done yet -- at least, maybe not in the way you plan to do it. When you go first, you can be jumping into something all alone with no one behind you -- yours might be the only footprints in the snow as you forge ahead through the forest. It can be downright scary.

I'm trying to do something different now in my conflict resolution work -- trying to connect some dots in a new way and communicate that to my colleagues in the field. Lately I've realized that in many ways, I'm going first. I bump into questions and challenges by those for whom these concepts are unfamiliar. I encounter the general resistance to thinking outside the box or changing the status quo. At times it does feel more like blazing a trail than taking the lead.

But when I think of the being first experiences -- the clear vista ahead of me that allows me to expand my ideas, the excitement of being out in front to implement my discoveries myself in a way that I think is good (and especially the part about the scenery changing when you're the the lead dog!) -- I'm able to gain a valuable perspective. One that reminds me that going first can still be quite a ride.

Here's hoping your scenery is changing often!
Kay
www.confidentconflict.com