It's been a month since my last post. The first couple of weeks I was traveling -- seeing family and sharing happy times with them. I thought I could post while I was away, but that proved to be unrealistic for me (still finding my way through Blogland it seems). Then soon after I got home, one of my family members was in a car accident and that has consumed my time and thoughts as well. So, again, no posts .
Now this is me persevering and trying to get back on track . . .
Experiencing all this family interaction though made me think about families in general and all the dynamics that are part of a family's culture. More specifically, about family roles.
People in families tend to assign specific roles to one another, especially as the family is developing. We hear it all the time: "she's the baby," "he's the cut up," "he's the serious one," "she's the ringleader." Before too long, we become aware of the role our family has assigned us -- one that we may or may not like -- and we find that we are always laboring with that image in the family dynamics. We are either enjoying being seen that way or we are constantly trying to break out of it. This not only happens within our family of origin, but with new in-laws as well.
It's also a phenomenon in other family-like situations too -- a group you may belong to, an organization, even an on-going class in which you participate. You start out being how you see yourself and then discover others have determined the role you'll have in that group. It's a natural thing that we all do -- it's one of the ways we try to deal with a group, how we organize and process our own interaction with other members.
This can prove to be pretty frustrating though, and at times, discouraging (especially if it has gone on for years), because at the heart of the matter is the disappointment that others are not really knowing you. A legitimate feeling because once people pidgeon-hole you somehow, they tend to keep you that way and may not allow new information to reshape their image. So much of what's inside the person themselves goes into those decisions -- positions, perspectives, our own needs and motives, and perhaps even a modicum of personal identity struggles.
Although we may feel like a salmon swimming upstream at times, the trick is to not allow those assignments to dictate how we behave in life. For example, just because someone may not see you as a person with serious thoughts or ideas, it doesn't mean you should quelche the ones you have and not keep trying to express them in that context. Or perhaps they may not see you as particularly skillful at something, but if you want to volunteer to do the job, you still should. The truth is, you are who you are and that's a fact -- no matter how someone else sees you.
I think about this sometimes when I'm sitting in the bow seat at rowing. The bow of the boat is the front; it is the part of the boat that crosses the finish line first and where the racing numbers of the boat are displayed. The coxswain (the person commanding the boat) faces forward to the bow, and seats are numbered beginning with the bow seat (#1). Yet, because the rowers themselves sit backwards, they invariably refer to the bow as the "back" of the boat, or to the rowers in the "back" of the lineup. While this is accurate when speaking relative to the rower's back, the fact remains that the bow is the front -- the forward part -- of the boat.
We need to remember this in dealing with our family (or group) roles. We need to see that while we may not ever overcome those assignments (just as I've no doubt rowers will ever stop calling the bow "the back"), all that matters is the truth of ourselves and determining how we want to define that role in the context of who we truly are.
Family dynamics are pretty complex things, but if we have our facts straight, we can find a clear picture of what we want to believe in dealing with them.
Wishing you great moments of discovery with your own family,
Kay
www.confidentconflict
