Results

I had a good day yesterday. Many things went well, work was very productive and I had fun in my leisure time.  As I was falling asleep last night, all I could think about was "how can I recreate this good day again tomorrow?"

It's really great when something seems to work; we always feel the pull of wanting to keep doing what we've done before. However, when people come to me for conflict coaching, it's because they aren't happy with the status quo -- they want to do something different. The way they are handling relational difficulties isn't working for them and they want to make a change.

The source of this dissatisfaction can sometimes be a particular person, a specific conflict, or perhaps a negative pattern they see in their own behaviors. Regardless of the motivation, the desired result is the same.

When it comes to dealing with relationship issues, we really don't want to essentially keep having the same fight over and over (but experts say this is what we do). The best thing is to develop new behaviors so that we can actually change the conversation. Rather than learning what to do in specific circumstances, if we change ourselves, we can successfully maneuver in any context.

Sometimes clients are interested in a quick fix, not necessarily in making a lasting change, and it takes them a little time to make this paradigm shift in how they view the results of their efforts.

Of course, the best pitch for this viewpoint is employing a new strategy and experiencing the difference it makes as we interact with others. Just as I was delighted to have a day that worked so well for me (and wanted to repeat it), we are encouraged when we discover something that 'works' for us in conflict.

But what about those results? How do we measure our success in this effort? When we're talking about human behavior, we need a different measuring stick.

The best part about this is when the focus is on you -- on your being different in a relational situation -- then any improvement, anything you do differently is a successful outcome. If you stay calm five minutes longer, if you stay in the conversation without cutting the other person off and walking away, if you listen for one more clue about how the other person's feeling (or even spend time caring about that when you usually don't!), you have been successful.

If you are trying to be better in a particular situation right now -- if you're trying to do something differently -- I want to exhort you in this. As I've written before, movement is progress. Think about what you used to do -- and something more that you do now. Celebrate. Realize your results -- and try to do it again.

Wishing you happy successes in finding what works!

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com