Results

I had a good day yesterday. Many things went well, work was very productive and I had fun in my leisure time.  As I was falling asleep last night, all I could think about was "how can I recreate this good day again tomorrow?"

It's really great when something seems to work; we always feel the pull of wanting to keep doing what we've done before. However, when people come to me for conflict coaching, it's because they aren't happy with the status quo -- they want to do something different. The way they are handling relational difficulties isn't working for them and they want to make a change.

The source of this dissatisfaction can sometimes be a particular person, a specific conflict, or perhaps a negative pattern they see in their own behaviors. Regardless of the motivation, the desired result is the same.

When it comes to dealing with relationship issues, we really don't want to essentially keep having the same fight over and over (but experts say this is what we do). The best thing is to develop new behaviors so that we can actually change the conversation. Rather than learning what to do in specific circumstances, if we change ourselves, we can successfully maneuver in any context.

Sometimes clients are interested in a quick fix, not necessarily in making a lasting change, and it takes them a little time to make this paradigm shift in how they view the results of their efforts.

Of course, the best pitch for this viewpoint is employing a new strategy and experiencing the difference it makes as we interact with others. Just as I was delighted to have a day that worked so well for me (and wanted to repeat it), we are encouraged when we discover something that 'works' for us in conflict.

But what about those results? How do we measure our success in this effort? When we're talking about human behavior, we need a different measuring stick.

The best part about this is when the focus is on you -- on your being different in a relational situation -- then any improvement, anything you do differently is a successful outcome. If you stay calm five minutes longer, if you stay in the conversation without cutting the other person off and walking away, if you listen for one more clue about how the other person's feeling (or even spend time caring about that when you usually don't!), you have been successful.

If you are trying to be better in a particular situation right now -- if you're trying to do something differently -- I want to exhort you in this. As I've written before, movement is progress. Think about what you used to do -- and something more that you do now. Celebrate. Realize your results -- and try to do it again.

Wishing you happy successes in finding what works!

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com

Keep a'-Goin'

"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me? " 
  ~Ayn Rand

I only recently discovered this quote even though it's been around for a long time. When I did a brief internet search, I found that many people have written comments about their reactions to it. I, too, found it to be very thought-provoking, and rather inspiring, as I considered the perspective it offers. 

Those who have gone before me have already discussed the idea that often the answer to the "who is going to stop me?" part can very likely be, "me" -- that we can be our own worst enemy in this regard.

I've realized though that I don't really think so much about whether or not someone will let me do something, nor am I too daunted by obstacles that might prevent me from moving forward. My struggle is simply trying not to stop -- in other words, to keep going.

We can get so weary at times traveling along the roads we choose for ourselves, and it is part of the human condition to want to stop: to cease an activity, to put an end to an action, to discontinue. 92 years ago, a gentleman named Frank Stanton wrote a poem entitled "Keep A-Goin." He was a Georgia boy and had his own way of urging his reader to sing when you feel like sighing and keep a'goin' (if you've ever seen an old Dick Van Dyke show with guest star Henry Gibson, you've already heard the first stanza of this poem).

The truth is the absolute sure-fired way we will not reach what we hope for is to stop -- to abandon our desires and give up -- to stop moving forward, stop taking action. The good news is that it is also true the decision whether or not to stop is completely up to us. 

I've been dealing with some health issues this week and have been finding it particularly difficult to resist stopping on so many levels. I kept thinking about this post though, and of how much I do want to cultivate this in my own life. 

So I'm going to join the ranks now and say, not only to you but to myself as well: 
Don't Give Up.

Don't give up on trying to be the person you know you want to be.
Don't stop being the mother you want to be, or the spouse, or brother, or friend.
Don't stop working for the family you want to have, or the business, or the ministry.
Don't stop pursuing what you know is the right thing to do.

Remember 100% of the decision to continue is yours -- yours alone -- and whatever efforts you make will bear fruit in due season, if you'll just keep a'-goin'.

Cheering you on!
Kay
www.confidentconflict.com

Monday People

One Monday Morning Sky

On Monday mornings I get up earlier than usual, get some coffee, and go for about a 3-mile walk. I have a particular route I take on that day and through the years I've seen many of the same people as I travel on my way: gardeners out trimming bushes and working on landscapes, shopkeepers coming to work, the repairmen at my local pool store getting ready for their Monday house calls.

This past Monday though, the weather was bad and I didn't do the Monday routine til Tuesday morning. I thought for sure I wouldn't be seeing the folks I typically see on Mondays, but it turned out that many of us didn't get to do our Monday activities -- we were all in the same boat. We remarked how odd it was to be doing these things on Tuesday and how we felt a day behind in starting our week.

That day seemed to set the tone of the whole week for me -- things have just been odd and out of focus! I've been turning right when I meant to turn left, going out of doors I was supposed to go in, getting all the way home and realizing I didn't drop off the mail at the post office. It was even the week of this month's Blue Moon! (the second full moon in August.) I had to keep reminding myself what day it was when I looked at my planner so I could keep my appointments straight, and yesterday I completely forgot to write my post for this week.

Scientists tell us though that shaking up our routine is good for our brain -- it actually nourishes it. Engaging in activities that make us think harder promotes brain health. The more we can change behaviors that have become rote to us (like how we arrange our daily activities or where we sit in our living room), the more we stimulate our brains. Alternating the hand we use to complete simple tasks from time to time is another suggestion. (Of course, when I do that I just feel uncoordinated.) 

I'm not too sure when I'll be able to get back on track. Since this Monday is the Labor Day holiday I'll probably be off a day again next week, so I may have more times of brain exercises ahead of me. But in my frustrations and my "do overs" (and being late for appointments), I guess I'll try to see the situation as something good -- for my brain at least.

I'm going to try to remember that every once in awhile we do need to have crazy weeks like this (sigh), that it's a healthy thing to be feeling like my brain is being taxed, and that sometimes, Monday people just have to do things on Tuesdays.

Happy September!

Kay
www.confidentconflict.com